Forgiveness. You're doing it wrong.

One of the MANY things I struggled with during The 90 Day Skeleton Dance was FORGIVENESS.

Every church, every bible study, every protocol of “right living” requires we forgive those that hurt us, lie to us, cheat us, steal from us, etc. without ever requiring the Offender to ASK for it or even apologize. Forgiving people who did evil and hurtful things felt like giving the green light to continue; giving them another blank check to your heart that was already an overdrawn account. I found myself pleading on more than one occasion with spiritual leaders to show me a loophole on this….but all they ever said was “Seventy times seven….” That's the number of times you are suppose to forgive someone.

...and yes I started to count. Because once I got to that 490th time I could be done with the bullshit. Or how about this one: “Forgiving is really for you, not the transgressor.” WTF? How? Letting them off the hook made me feel like a door mat….does that make me more spiritual?? It made me sad and disappointed in myself. It made me feel weak. Unloved. And stupid. Because the offender often did it again.

...and again.

It kept me in a victim mindset And it was used as a weapon against me, because if I didn't forgive, I wouldn't be Forgiven.

How do you reconcile this to a child of abuse? How can you tell a wife with a womanizing husband this? What does this help the widow who has lost EVERYTHING to a Ponzi scheme? What about the families who have lost members to a drunk driver or armed robbery? Forgive the Evil with No Apology or you will go to hell.

That's fucking fantastic. I couldn't stomach it. ...and I tried for years to no avail. I was still plagued with hurt, anger and contempt while my offenders slept like babies at night. How would forgiving THAT ever save me? How could that ever feel good and right? Funny thing happens when you decide to let go of everything you've been taught, force fed, and programmed into believing; when you decide to get well for you regardless of the implications or narcissistic response you get from your dysfunctional gallery. I let go of the guilt and feelings of obligation so that I could research and find some meaning. And research I did.

There is no loophole. There is, however, plenty of misunderstanding.

Forgiveness does not make you a door mat (although some people wear that shit like a badge of honor). Forgiveness is FREEDOM. In my studies, the definition of FORGIVE includes (but is not limited to) these definitions: -to depart from one and leave him to himself so that all mutual claims are abandoned

-to go away leaving something behind

-to leave one by not taking him as a companion

-to leave on dying, leave behind one

-to leave so that what is left may remain, leave remaining

- abandon, leave destitute

You see, forgiveness is required for YOU and YOUR well being, regardless of apology, because forgiveness is YOUR green light to SEVER yourself from toxic relationships. Forgiveness doesn't mean pretend it never happened. Forgiveness doesn't mean embracing your child's murderer.

Forgiveness doesn't mean winking at check fraud or identity theft. Forgiveness doesn't mean embracing the woman your husband got pregnant while paying her child support.

….get it? Forgiveness isn't self sacrifice. Forgiveness is your green light to freedom by walking away from the dysfunctional environment that is killing you. You forget the trangrssiont ever happened because you are forgetting the transgressor. These thoughts comforted me. Because I realized I was not required to continue sharing my life/heart/soul with he people associated with the crimes against me. When I did THAT, the anger, resentment and hurt slowly dissipated. At times when it stung, I would remind myself that I was no longer tied by blood or marriage to the offenders and it would give me peace. I no longer think badly of those who have hurt me or done me wrong.

I honestly don't think of them at all.

And at times when they are called to my remembrance there is no animosity.

But there is also no affection. No obligation. No sense of commitment. No loyalty or need for a relationship.

There is absolutely no emotional response, and that is FREEDOM. BUT….discovering this also taught me something about how I want to behave and treat others. It causes me to evaluate my actions, intentions, and motives because being forgiven is a heavy thing. Asking forgiveness does not require those I've hurt to embrace me. It does not require them to continuing a relationship with me, good or bad. It does not give me a green light to offend again. Asking forgiveness is really acknowledging I've done wrong and at the very least requesting to be exiled outside the walls of their heart and life. They may choose to keep me close if I am sincere, but it is not required and my exile won't send them to hell.

There's a saying: It's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission.

Given the research, I disagree.